Pandemic friendships and how some part of me fears a return to whatever "normal" means

I think one of the privileges that I've had during this season of quarantine has been the amount of time that I've just had to myself. Expectations for social interaction might be at an all time low and for introverts like me, that's created much-needed space for me to just be with myself. I think this need for time to connect with myself and process has been a part of me for a while but I didn't exactly meet that need in healthy ways in college. I've also been a person who I think shows signs of OCD when it comes to communicating with people through technology, usually through Facebook Messenger or text messaging. I value keeping up conversations with people but can all too often fall into viewing my message threads with friends as tasks that just need to be checked off. It makes sense then that treating messaging like a task to be checked off ends up throwing me for a small loop when I receive a reply and the box I checked the previous day is unchecked the next morning. I wouldn't say this perspective on communicating over social media is rare, especially amidst the pandemic, but it is a reality for me. 

Reflecting on this has led me towards what I've thought about as a fear of how I operate as a social being in this world. What does this mean? It's almost like I fear that I'm getting too used to disembodied ways of communicating. I'm getting too used to seeing social media, video calls, and messaging as sufficient avenues for maintaining and reaffirming friendship. I think at the end of the day, I still recognize that being deeply relational with other people necessitates much more than virtual interaction (and I will add that I do have the privilege of some in-person interactions at this time) but the fear that I've named has more to do with how virtual interactions have given me a disembodied sense of control over my friendships. In many ways, this control turns people and their needs into tasks that can be adequately addressed from afar, from behind the computer screen, or from my phone. And even as the pandemic seems to slowing down in many places, I'm not sure how I'll carry this into interactions as the arena in which we all operate becomes more "normal" (whatever that means). 

I think this false sense of control is a product of our device-driven time that needs to be wrestled with if we are to enter into genuine, mutual, and incarnational friendships with one another. That's the case because in most cases, being close friends with another person shows us how little control we have of their lives (heck, how much control do we think we have of our own lives?). We have our mess, they have theirs, and we're working through those messes side by side (or maybe we're just all in the same mess) all while wading through the hard realities around us. I guess what I'm trying to say is that the point is not to have a "right" sense of control over our friendships but more so to consider how our views of friendship may be warped by always being online and to seek out, if possible, embodied ways of intertwining our realities with others in a world that values instant gratification and has at times convinced me that I'm being a good enough friend if I haven't left anyone unread.